So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
