I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
