I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
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