as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I am midnight drunk by noon
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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