im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
