at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
