i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Randomize
