So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
