3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
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