hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
