My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
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