Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
Randomize
