I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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