im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
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It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
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COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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