in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
