Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
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