Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
