my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
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