I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
