He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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