don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I'm experimenting with sincerity
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
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