apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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