During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
i love accidental penises.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
