Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
