i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
