The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
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