her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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