i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
