I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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