i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
