in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Randomize
