My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
