Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Randomize
