Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
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