Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
