Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
People in love make me want to vomit
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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