wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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