While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
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