That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Randomize
