Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
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