There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
