Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Randomize
