My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
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