It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Randomize
