I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
