i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Walk of Shame today included voting.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
