It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
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I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
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The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
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