Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
