shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Randomize
