Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
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