when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.