Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.