Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats