Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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