after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
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I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂