Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
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i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
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The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."