do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Randomize
