you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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