my phone needs a breathalizer
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
