I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
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