Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
